Life,  Mom

Why Focusing On What Matters?

Why did I start a blog and name it Focusing on What Matters?

3 years ago our life changed more than I could have realized. We had a big decision on our hands. We had two choices.

1. We could stay in Colorado where all our family was and where we grew up but I would have to return to work which would mean our 2 boys would be put in daycare and public school.

2. We could move out of state where the cost of living was less so we could make it as a one income family and keep our children home like we desired.

Even though this was one of the hardest decisons we’ve had to make through our marriage we knew that even though we loved living 10 minutes from my parents that it was more important to give our children the childhood and education we had dreamed by keeping them home.

So within the course of a few days the decision was made. We were moving to Oklahoma!

While I was full of mixed emotions, excitement, fear and sadness. I knew it was the right decision. Plus Cowboy got to live his dream of being out in the country instead of the city. This part I was not super excited about. I was a city girl 100%!

But now we live 45 minutes outside of Oklahoma City in a small town that has a church and a bar and I wouldn’t go back to the city of you paid me to!

While moving the the country has given us amazing experiences that have changed the way we think and live I would have never guessed how much I would have struggled through this change.

We’ve been here for 3 1/2 years. During this time I have struggled through bouts of depression due to the loniness I’ve felt. I’ve never struggled to meet mom’s at the park or the grocery store or on MeetUp but in the country its just not the same. I have yet to find that friendship that makes my heart fill with warmth. Someone that I can call when I’m having a crappy day that can relate and encourage me. The friend I can have coffee with and talk about parenting issues or something exciting one of the littles accomplished in school. And I miss it terribly!

When I’m feeling especially lonely I let everything go. The house becomes a cluttered mess with cobwebs in the corners and piles of dust on the fan blades. I don’t worry about getting dress but rather spend my days in my pajamas because I know I’m not going to see anyone so why get dressed?

Once I’m in full lazy jammie mode I start binge watching Netflix. I get lost in the stories of fictional characters wishing my life was more like theirs, fun and exciting. I neglect school with the kids because I’d rather just veg out and relax all day let them play.

Once I acknowledge the fact that I’m basically failing at my job, I mean if I was an employee I would have been fired for sure, instead of getting up and making changes I just want to curl up in bed and wallow in my self-pity of being a bad mom.

Things start to feel like they are spiraling out of control. Cowboy comes home from being over the road all week to a house that’s a mess and a wife that is stressed out and losing her mind because the kids won’t stop fighting and won’t do anything they are asked. And he doesn’t know why this is happening but I do.

I know its because I’m not feeling like myself. I’ve lost something that I can’t seem to replace since we moved and I don’t know how to handle life without it. That connection with another mom who is walking through the trenches with me and even better would be someone who’s building a homestead too because that just adds a whole different dynamic to our life.

So what’s changed? Really nothing. I still don’t have that friendship but I’ve decided that I’m not going to find it binge watching Netflix in my pajamas all day. If I’m not caring for myself and my family how can I expect to be in a place to be open for friendship?

So I’ve decided that 2018 is going to be my year of growth! I’m going to make all those changes I’ve wanted to for years but just haven’t put in the work.

I’m going to focus on getting my kids schooling in every day we can. That school is finally going to be a priority.

I’m going to focus on my health and eating right along with exercise so I can lose this weight that is causing me to be unhealthy and unable to have the energy I need to live this life.

I’m going to focus on learning how to care for my home and keep up with the household responsibilities along with teaching my children how to do the same and why it’s important.

I’m the only one who can make these changes and give myself and my family the full life I want us to have together.

I’m 23 days into starting these life changes and I’ve had my fair share of struggles already (frozen pipes, overflowing washing machines, sickness) but nothing has derailed me yet! I believe the reason why is because I’ve been finding the positive in everything and focusing my attention on what I can control and wading through the rest. I feel like there isn’t much that could stop me at this moment and that’s a great feeling!

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